Peace and Feeling Free

Wow. Just wow. My surgery was in June 2016. Here I am..September of 21. Oh the difference in my life between now and then. I am not even sure where to start to be honest. With the facts I guess.

I am post surgical menopause. I am not currently on any ERT or HRT. I am still on Lexapro for depression and anxiety and I will mostly likely be for my whole life. I am divorced. I have a new boyfriend. I came out nonbinary and bisexual. I am still disabled due to my mental health and some physical health issues.

No cycling. No suicidal ideation. No daily panic attacks. No sudden drastic mood swings out of nowhere. No feeling utterly hopeless each month. No menstrual related psychosis.

What made the biggest change for me? Getting the surgery. Absolutely hands down was huge in helping me get where I am today. It allowed me to stabilize and then work on the bext things that I needed to. Getting out if a toxic environment was the next big key. However if I had not had the surgery I would have never been able to see what was actually going on nor be able to function well enough to find a way out. So yes, I still consider my surgery for PMDD to have saved my life many times over.

The surgery though was just the very beginning of my journey and I am no where near finished. Its what has allowed me to take the steps to start to heal so much. I go to my therapy every week. I sought help for my eating disorder. I have gotten so much more care for my physical health. I can advocate for myself and actually mean it. I am building confidence and self worth. Something I did not think I would ever have. And yes even though alot of the work I am doing is not directly related to the PMDD itself, it has its ties to it. So much of the negative self talk came from those moments of PMDD hell. Were embedded by a toxic environment and cemented by my mental state. I have been able to finally challenge those thoughts and that ugly voice. No, not just challenge, I evicted that bastard from my head and for the first time I have peace in my mind.

I still have bad days. I accept them. I have days where all I wanna do is sleep. So I sleep. I have days I want to scream. So I scream and cry into my pillow. These days no longer remind me of those PMDD hell weeks though. They don’t make me question my sanity. They don’t make me feel like I have lost all control.

I can see beauty and joy around me without immediately being overwhelmed and breaking down. I can even share in that joy.

I could not imagine any of this even 2 years ago. Getting rid of the PMDD has let me turn my life around.

I want to live. I want to fully live. As I am. I am even planning my life after my kids are grown and I am excited! I am excited to live for me! I cannot even begin to tell you how incredible that feels. I got out of that PMDD hell just so I could live for my kids. Now, I want to do so much more!

I will be truly honest though, if I had not confronted my environment, confronted my own toxic behaviors and thoughts, if I had not worked so hard to get out and start over without the constant triggers of my past, then I would not be where I am today. I had to get rid of that baggage. I had to make room for a different me, I had to accept there was no old me to go back to, and then realize even if there was, I wouldnt want to.

Why am I telling you this? Because its suicide prevention month. And I just realized that my mind no longer uses suicidal ideation as its automatic go to coping technique. Do you know just how incredible that is? How incredible it feels to no longer have those thoughts pop in my head? No, even in the moments when I struggle and I am absolutely freaking out (which is normal for humans btw) I don’t want to die. I want whatever is overwhelming to just go away but I don’t want to die in those moments. I also don’t wish that I was never born. I am happy I am alive and I am me.

I am finding peace. I am PMDD free and I am living. Free.

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