No, I’m not going to hurt myself so no one panic, I am writing from experience and that is all. Most people don’t know why or can’t understand why a person would choose to die (suicide). Obviously I’m not speaking for everyone, I’m am speaking for myself and I know I’m not alone in my sentiments on this topic.
The vast majority of people will have blips in their thoughts like “oh, I wish I didn’t exist.” Or “I can’t take this, I wish I was dead.” Maybe even “What would happen if I just drove my car off this bridge.” These are normal thoughts, normal for anyone facing stress and troubles that are hard and maybe feeling lost and alone. I’m not downplaying these thoughts, and if they make you uncomfortable you should definitely be talking about whatever is causing these thoughts, but in our society? They are normal.
Suicidal ideation may go beyond these thoughts, may even consume your thoughts for more than a few seconds. And it may really feel like you just want to end it and sometimes you may not even know why. These thoughts often scare us. They scare us more because we think it means we actually do want to die. Being suicidal and suffering suicidal ideation are very different though. Neither are normal, but one is suffering from thoughts and the other is being in a state where dying is sought out. One is not suffering from the thoughts. Take a moment think really think about that.
When I feel suicidal, my suffering is not caused from thoughts of dying. My suffering is caused from the thoughts of continuing to live. To live is to suffer. Pain. Loneliness. Shame. Guilt. Horror. Despair. Fear. This is living. Words and deeds leave invisible scars that fester, rot, and consume all that is healthy and light. And then I watch this fester seep into those I love, those I cherish and it hurts 100 times more than if it was just myself. I am poison. I am dooming everyone around me and I have to save them from my disease. Sometimes this just becomes my ideation, sure. Other times it forms into a desire, a plan, a hope. Regardless of what death is, it is an end to this suffering, this blight.
Most of my thoughts now are chronic ideation. No plans. At times I wish I could plan. At times I truly just want to leave this world and it would be so easy to do so. So much easier than facing every single day and night. I am not cut out for this world, this society. I scar way too easily. I go on, I wake up each day, because I’m not selfish. I wake up for my kids. I seek out care to do my best. But you can’t blame me for not being too upset if death comes knocking, as much as I fear that unknown, death and I go way back. I feel guilty for even thinking this way, so for those who died by suicide, there is no doubt in my mind that their choice (most not all) was not about any selfish thought.
Most people cannot fathom the anguish of which our minds can experience. It is akin to nothing else in this world. It lies, it poisons, it rots, it severs, it bleeds, it boils, it burns, and it terrifies. It doesn’t like to rest though. And as the scars build more and more layers, the pain can’t escape and it can’t be reached to be assuaged.
I know some who are reading this may not experience these thoughts but rather are seeking to try to help a loved one. And you may be exhausted and scared. I know, I’m sorry. We don’t want to be this way. We don’t want to dream of death. We know that it’s asking alot to listen and help us, it’s asking alot of us to continue living too. Try to remember that. If one day we do choose, we aren’t trying to hurt you. We just grew too exhausted from the battle fatigue to stand up and fight.
I don’t regret my attempt. Not any more. It gave me so much more than it took. To anyone making plans or wanting to die, I’ll listen. I can’t fix your life or your thoughts. I will fight beside you though.